Apocalypse
by Sweet Lunacy
Summary: Set directly after TATM. River and the Doctor have rather violent ways of dealing with their loss, but it ultimately brings them closer. Rated for self harm. Oneshot.
**A/N: I do not own Doctor Who. I do, however, own a TARDIS figurine and Doctor Who Series 5, 6, and 7 on DVD. I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

They were gone.

Amy and Rory.

Rory the Roman and little Amelia.

The last centurion and the girl who waited.

Mr. and Mrs. Williams.

Ponds.

* * *

At her request, the Doctor had dropped River off at her flat before going off on their latest adventures, and now he sat silently on the floor of the control room. Unmoving, unblinking, and unable to do anything other than replay the loss of his beloved friends. He knew that the TARDIS wouldn't allow any harm to befall them drifting through space, so he had decided to simply sit. He didn't know how long River would take before asking him to pick her up, and it was probably for the best that she wasn't here.

The thoughts running through his head were erratic and dangerous, but he couldn't stop them any more than he could have saved Amy and Rory. He sighed, running his hand through his hair, and stood up. His grief had made him even more uncoordinated than usual, and when he rounded the corner to the kitchen of the TARDIS, he slipped, connecting painfully with the floor. Pain washed over him, but it was a new kind of pain. This was something he could cope with.

Realisation hit him suddenly, and he was struck with a new idea. Standing up carefully, he made his way to the drawer which contained his sharpest knives and opened it. He hesitated for only a moment before dragging the first blade he found across the white skin of his arm, hissing in pain. Red droplets welled to the surface and he watched in fascination as it left a trail down to his elbow. It was painful, yes, but it distracted him from the crushing weight in his hearts.

As he was admiring his handiwork, he happened to notice his psychic paper on the ground and gently picked it up. River, it seemed, was now ready. He supposed he'd better…wait. River! He knew he couldn't let her see what he'd done. She would never understand. She was so strong, so grounded. She would be so disappointed in him.

* * *

"Hello, sweetie."

It was the same greeting, but it lacked the warmth that it had always previously held. He looked at her carefully, trying to determine if something was wrong. She still looked the same to him. Her hair was still the beautiful golden mass of wild curls that it had always been, her eyes were still the same light shade of green, but….upon closer inspection, he could clearly see the tears shining in her eyes.

"River, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," she smiled quickly, but he knew it was forced, "I'm fine."

He shook his head.

"No, you're not. River, talk to me. I know that losing Amy and Rory was….oh, God."

He stopped, staring at her with wide eyes.

"What, sweetie?"

"Oh, River…..they were your parents. And you lost them. Again. I'm so sorry."

She shook her head slowly.

"It doesn't matter."

The slam of his hand on the side of the TARDIS wall echoed suddenly, causing her to jump.

"It _does_ matter, River! Don't…don't do this. Not now. Please. Don't be this."

She frowned.

"Don't be what?"

"Strong! Don't pretend that it doesn't hurt! Don't…damnit, don't hide the damage!"

His voice had grown steadily louder until he was shouting, tears spilling from his eyes no matter how hard he tried to stop them. He flinched slightly when River laid her hand on his shoulder, but turned to face her regardless.

"I'm sorry, my love."

She reached for his wrist, intending to wrap him in her arms. He pulled away sharply, a gasp of pain escaping his lips. She couldn't help the feeling of déjà vu that swept over her, and frowned. It was exactly as he had done to her earlier when she had broken her own wrist to escape the angel. She reached for him again, gentler than she had ever touched him, and kept her eyes locked on his.

"What's wrong?"

He shook his head. She slowly pulled back the sleeve of his jacket, ignoring his frantic protests.

"River, stop! Don't do that! Please!"

When her eyes finally accepted what they were seeing, she couldn't stop the tears from filling them.

"Oh, sweetie…."

She took in his eyes, never leaving hers, and was astounded by the fear that she saw there. She'd never seen this depth of fear in the Doctor's eyes before, and it was starting to cause her own fear to rise.

"What happened?"

He opened his mouth to reply, but couldn't find the words. He tried again and was only able to form one simple sentence.

"It helps."

"Helps with what, Doctor?"

A single tear dropped from his eyes and River fought the urge to wipe it away.

"The pain."

She was silent for a long while and before the Doctor could stop himself, he asked her the one question that he'd been trying to avoid.

"Don't you already know?"

To his surprise, River shook her head. Now the Doctor was very confused. If his future was her past, how did River not know about this?

"I…I don't remember this. I sure as hell don't remember writing it in my diary."

She had placed her head on his shoulder as she'd been speaking, as if even talking exhausted her. Her voice was soft, not cold, but certainly not warm. He couldn't quite place the tone in her voice, but if he had to hazard a guess, it would have been confusion.

"I don't understand. How is that possible?"

River's head shook against his body, and she pulled away from him.

"I don't know, sweetie. But right now, it's not important. What is important is that you can't keep doing this. It's not the right way to handle this."

He stepped away from her then, his eyes hard.

"Well, forgive me, Professor Song, but what else am I supposed to do? This is what I deserve!"

Before she could speak, he had stormed away, leaving her with nothing but her confused thoughts and an overwhelming amount of pain.

* * *

River sighed in frustration, pulling at her hair. Where was he? She knew that if he didn't want to be found, then she certainly wasn't going to find him.

"Doctor, please! I just want to talk to you!"

She kept walking until she reached their shared bedroom, pushing the door open softly. Just as she had expected, he was nowhere to be seen. She sank down on the bed slowly, her head falling into her hands and blinked. Hard. She'd never admit it to him, but the Doctor had been right. Losing her parents hurt. It fucking hurt like hell.

She would never see them again. Never hear Rory clear his throat in disgust as she kissed the Doctor. Never hear Amy's bright laughter echoing throughout the TARDIS hallways. Never tease them for catching them locked in each other's arms kissing passionately. Never spend quiet moments with Amy in the kitchen.

River raised her head from her hands, frowning in confusion. A warm drop of water had landed on her fingertips, and it took her a moment to realise that it was a tear. She was crying. When was the last time she had cried? She tried to remember, but soon she could only focus on her attempt to stop. Her breath was faster now, heavier, and the harder she tried to stop the tears from falling, the more persistently they came.

There was no containing it now, and River stood shakily, feeling her way to the bathroom, intent on finding something to dry her eyes. She never made it. Waves of pain, near-crippling sadness and loss crashed over her, stealing her breath and robbing her of all her self-control. Her hand flew out of its own accord, connecting with the wall, and a scream tore itself from her throat. It wasn't a scream of physical pain, and she continued to strike the wall, screaming again, until she felt the warm blood trickle down her hand. Sobbing openly and unable to stop her breath from coming in short frantic gasps, River slid down the wall slowly, oblivious to the concerned green eyes that were watching her from the doorway.

* * *

The Doctor hated himself. More than he'd ever hated anyone in his existence. He knew he shouldn't have shouted at River when she'd only been trying to help, but it had just happened. He felt worse for hiding from her, and knew that when he finally faced her, he'd have a good amount of apologising to do. He was just running through his apology when a loud slam caused him to stand up quickly.

A scream echoed through the TARDIS and even if they hadn't been alone, he would have recognised that voice anywhere. He sprinted toward the sound, fear gripping his hearts like a vice. The screams continued, followed by the sound of something hitting the wall, and when he finally reached his destination, the sight made both of his hearts shatter.

Leaning heavily against the wall, tears pouring from her eyes, barely able to breathe, was his wife. Shock and pain froze him to the spot, and as he watched, her body slid down the wall, shaking violently. He probably would have stayed there all night had he not seen the trail of blood that followed River's descent. As his frantic eyes took in the red covering the wall, he moved as quickly as he could to his wife's side. He wasn't sure if he should touch her, but he had to make sure that she wasn't severely injured.

"River? River, please. Talk to me. What's wrong?"

Her head shook, damp curls sticking to her face, and he tried to catch her eyes. She refused to look at him, and when he touched her shoulder gently, she jerked away, a sob escaping her.

"River…."

He had never seen her this way, and as much as he hated to admit it, he was scared. River's tears were still falling at a rapid pace, and again he reached out to her. This time, as his arms encircled her, she didn't fight him. He wasn't sure if she was allowing him to comfort her, or if she just simply didn't have the strength to struggle.

"Please. Talk to me, sweetie."

River's hands found his shirt, bypassing his jacket, and clung to him tightly. Her entire body was shaking and it was with extreme difficulty that she tried to speak.

"T-they're gone."

Of course. Amy and Rory. The parents that she had never truly gotten the chance to know. Not, at least, as their daughter. She'd lost them yet again, and as always, it was his fault. Everything that had happened to her was his fault. God, he hated himself. His fingers longed for a knife, but he forced himself to fight it. River was more important. She needed him.

"Oh, River…I'm so sorry."

She took a ragged breath and when she spoke next, it was with absolute certainty.

"I hate you."

This time, he couldn't bring himself to answer her with his trademark response. This time, he believed her. They were the words he had always expected her to say, to mean. He kept his arms around her, but nodded sadly.

"I know. I deserve your hatred. Everything that has ever caused you pain is because of me. And now, you've lost your parents because of me."

"You idiot," she spat, "I don't hate you because of that. It was Amy's choice. She would have never been able to be happy without Rory, and we both know it."

He frowned, looking down at the top of her head, resting against his chest.

"Then why?"

"I hate you because of that stupid stunt you pulled today! I've just lost my parents, I can't lose you, too!"

She'd been mostly calm during her explanation, but her voice broke again and she couldn't fight her tears any longer. She was just too exhausted. He could feel her tears soaking his shirt and jacket, but he didn't care. He placed his hand under her chin, lifting her face upwards. He needed to see her eyes. He had to know what she was feeling.

"River…I…I didn't realise. I never meant to hurt you. I've never meant to hurt you. I…" his voice trailed off.

… _love you_ …his mind finished for him. Even after all this time, he couldn't say it. _Love_ didn't seem strong enough for what he felt for her. The Doctor knew that there was never going to be a word strong enough for what he truly wanted to say.

"You what?" she asked quietly.

"I only want you to be happy."

River laughed bitterly, tears still sliding down her face.

"Doctor?"

He made a soft sound to show that he was listening, and she found the strength to continue.

"Do you even love me?"

She was watching him closely, searching his eyes deeply.

"Of course. You mean everything to me."

"Then why have you never said it?"

He knew that he had to be honest. No more lies, no more spoilers. Just him and River. His wife. The woman who murdered the Doctor. The woman who married the Doctor. The woman who would eventually give her life for his. He owed her this.

"That word…it isn't enough. It doesn't say how much you really mean to me. How much I need you. But, it's the closest that I can get. So, yes. I love you, River Song. Melody Pond. More than anyone or anything in any known universe."

She smiled and threaded her fingers through his hair, pulling him down to her. He could taste the salt from her tears on her lips, but he didn't care. He held her closer, one hand in her wild curls, the other gently supporting her back, and kissed her with more love than he'd ever given before.

"I love you too, sweetie," she whispered.

She rested her head against his chest again, and it was only when she began speaking did he move.

"I've made a real mess of your shirt, dear. I hope it doesn't stain."

That's right, she'd been bleeding. There was blood on the wall of their room, and on his shirt. He pulled away from her quickly, looking at her urgently.

"How did you hurt your hand?"

She smiled and had the decency to look embarrassed.

"I may have hit the wall a few times. I really should apologise to her."

He laughed softly.

"I'm sure the TARDIS forgives you, honey."

He reached out slowly, watching her face carefully.

"It must hurt. Come here."

It did not escape either of them that he had said those exact same words to her only hours before, and she smiled sadly.

"I'm sorry, my love."

He kissed her bloodied hand gently as he'd done earlier, and before she could protest, he stood, still cradling her in his arms. He carried her the short distance to their bed and made quick but careful work of bandaging her hand. When he had finished, he stood from his position on the bed, and began walking away. River's good hand grasped his shirt sleeve, her eyes never leaving his.

"Please don't go. I don't want to be alone."

It killed her to be so vulnerable, but she couldn't deny it anymore. She needed him to stay, needed his warmth next to her in the bed. For one horrible moment, she thought he was going to refuse, but when he smiled and climbed into the bed beside her, she couldn't help the sigh of relief.

"You'll never be alone. I'll always come for you when you need me."

The Doctor wrapped his arms around her, leaning forward to place a light kiss at the base of her throat, taking in every detail that he could. The sweet scent of her perfume, the way the light caught in her golden hair, the way her body fit perfectly against his, and most importantly, the love that he felt and could feel radiating from her.

He could tell that she was almost asleep now, and just before her eyes closed, he rested his lips gently against her ear.

"I love you, River."

She smiled, and intertwined her fingers with his.

"I love you, too."

She was sleeping now, and just as he knew the night would later be filled with River's screams as her nightmares plagued her and her mind turned against her, he also knew that there was no other place he would be. Neither one of them would sleep well that night, but they would be there for each other, with gentle hands and whispered words of love and the hope of what the next morning would bring. He needed her, she needed him, and they would always be there to save each other. And really, that was all that mattered.

* * *

 **A/N: Reviews are cool.**


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